Here's something I got in the mail from mechajol, my resident angas buddy.
Classifying Pinoy Newspapers
1. THE INQUIRER is the newspaper read by the people who run the country. If you don't know who runs the country, don't read the Inquirer, as you may end up thinking that a newspaper actually runs the country.
2. THE BULLETIN is read by people who don't care who runs the country, as long as the telephone numbers in the classified ads are correct, and the prices negotiable.
3. MALAYA is the newspaper read by people who used to run the country and think they still do. it is confusing to read Malaya because while the date may be correct, the administration is always wrong.
4. THE STAR is read by people who will run the country, as soon as their newspaper overtakes the inquirer in circulation and advertising revenue. Until that happens, they will be happy to read the absolute latest in show business news.
5. THE STANDARD is read by people who might run the country someday, if certain Chinese geomancers so predict. it is also read by people who think they are in another country, or even another planet, judging by the stories that come out in that newspaper.
6. TODAY is preferred by people who will oppose anyone who happens to be running the country, unless those persons happen to be the Powerpuff girls or the Eraserheads, in which case they will be heartily endorsed by a certain female columnist.
7. THE TIMES is read by people who think they are close to the people who run the country. the fact that so few read the times might lead to conclude that a) only a select number are close to those who run the country, or b) practically no one cares what those who run the country are up to.
8. No one has claimed to have read THE TRIBUNE recently, although some employees of that newspaper are said to do so from time to time. As for the people who run the country, they simply assume that this newspaper does not even exist.
9. ABANTE is read by people who have a vague idea that someone is indeed running the country. they will promise to figure out who that is AFTER they read Xerex Xaviera's latest sex confessional.
10. TORO is bought by people who cannot even read, but who can make out the pictures taken from cut-out scenes from bold movies. Tthey will be surprised to learn that somebody actually runs the country, since they believe that the smut they buy would surely be outlawed, if that were the case.