Underwear Overload

Where I come from, people get the urge to bombard you with karaoke music early Sunday mornings. If they don’t sleep, you can’t sleep. To ensure that you won’t just be piling pillows over your ears and willing them to move to Australia, they start banging pails and dishes just outside your kitchen—where you are sure to hear. They have succeeded. With no other choice, you grumble and get up and glare at them as well.

You grumble as you survey what’s for breakfast. Spread orange marmalade on bread. Murder the banana, cut it up into little pieces and stir it in your add-hot-water oatmeal. Bang your coffee. Park everything in front of the television and wish that at least there’s something interesting to watch.

You tune out the anime and cheer up a little when the ad comes in: Tired of yellow teeth? Aghast over very visible panty lines? Ah, yes. At least even if they took away Shaider, Susan Enriquez never fails to amaze you during weekends. This is the woman who caused Charlene Gonzales’ downfall from sossy glossy to greasy woman on jeep. Where once, the former beauty queen got off on how to ward off bad karma with crystals and battle aging with yoga, now she takes random gay guys and give them boob jobs—and have it all televised. Some weeks back, a guy from a singing and muscle flexing group had butt augmentation. And they featured it all to make you feel at home.

This Sunday has Susan Enriquez visited by a tooth fairy who suspiciously looks like Katherine Luna, woman from the breakwaters. Tooth fairy might lose her job because of her yellowing teeth. An entire barangay in Cavite is plagued with rust colored teeth caused by too much fluoride in their water. Teenagers can’t flirt because bad teeth is a turn off. The population will dwindle and soon there will be no one left. All because of yellow teeth. Oh, Susan, save us please!

Then there’s the case of the monster panties. Since the thong became popular, there’s been an increase of not just visible panty lines, but very visible underwear. T-backs waving from the backside, granny panties bunched up over belt hoops, buttcracks observable even by the naked eye. Girls don’t seem to know which underwear to match with their clothes and thus always get their panties in a bunch. To rescue our eyes from these troubling images, Susan takes us to a Triumph depot, where models await to parade before us in near nakedness. The key to having nice fitting underwear is to know what your hip size is. Not the waist, darlings, the hips. Then we are given the rundown. When wearing low riders, use something also low riding. Want to show off your thong, wear one with diamonds on it. Want to eat your panties afterwards? Go to Kink Cakes and grab some edible underwear. (Which by the way, seemed like all loose garters like your lola’s been wearing them since the last World War. So not yummy.)

Fantastic weekend viewing, I tell you.