You see, it’s a lot of things.
I usually have an idea of what I want to do, and how to get there from here. When I want things badly enough, I get them.
[This entire ballgame has become unpredictable. The guy I banked on being included in the shortlist wasn’t there. I figured that there were too many noisy gay guys and just picked one. The structuralism girls were both there. Ms Nervous Wreck wasn’t nervous and probably knew her methodology better than me. I’m not discounting that Barong Wearing Dude could be in there. It just makes me nervous that I don’t have a handle on where I stand. I mean, do I believe Mentor Dude that I did well enough when the info came from the high exag Fairy Dear Adviser? How do I know they meant I did well in the grad skul exam and not the blasted the other project that means so much to me right now? Why is this happening to me?
Meanwhile, I have to rant because this has become my journal substitute. It’s not even my blog anymore. It’s my whine page.]
Now I don’t know if for some reason I’m reaping extra evil karma points that I might not get what I want, or I’m not good enough for it. At any rate, it leaves me a bit unsure, humbled. I’m not used to it.
And oh yeah, this is how I feel.