Letting it fly

The Non-Experts at TMN presents 45 additional alternatives to Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover."

Singer-songwriter Paul Simon originally gave us just 5 ways, actually, if you follow the song's chorus: “slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don’t need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free."

Of the new list, I like:

44. Feed her to a shark, Mark
43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy

The rhyming gets a little stale afterwards, but still fun. Although if what you're after is the unmistakeable madness of your intent to break up, I think nothing still beats Weird Al Yankovic. Just consider the following lines from "You Don't Love Me Anymore":

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft

Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more

Also, while I was doing my laundry and my music player was at random, The Corrs came up with that back to back anthem leading to the inevitable--"What Can I Do" followed by "I Never Loved You Anyway." I always thought that the placement of those two songs in the Talk on Corners album was just perfect. It moves from tired but still hopeful to dripping sarcasm. And I always did like sarcasm when it comes to burning bridges.