Monday, July 19

Dear Julia Stiles

So what I really wanted to watch was Tina Fey's Mean Girls. But it had disappeared in Rob Place Manila so I decided I'll turn off my brain and watch blood splatter. Fight scenes should do me good. I even prepared for it by bringing along chicken teriyaki. Don't ask me why.
So I walk inside the theater, awaiting bloodshed while the trailers played. There's a really stupid movie coming real soon: It's about a girl who really wanted to do good and sing, only the odds are stacked against her. But since this is Hollywood, she gets the breaks, meets a producer, dates him, and eventually gets a record deal. Her homegirls are sooo excited.
My chopsticks pause in midair. No way.
They're remaking Glitter with Jessica Alba in it. For good measure, they throw bits of Flashdance and Save the Last Dance in it too. Only now it's not called Glittering and Flashing for the Last Dance. It's called Honey. So Mariah, di ba?
I swear, haven't they learned yet? But the lights are off and when the credits roll, there were no arrows and catapults flying. It's Julia Stiles as a chemistry geek and it's her birthday. I have somehow winded up inside The Prince & Me. By then, King Arthur would have started by a good 20 minutes so I decide to sit this out.
Someone should go and tell Julia Stiles that she's really not kilig material. I mean this in a really good way. Leave all the teeny pakilig stuff to Mandy Moore, or Hillary Duff, and even Lindsay freaking Lohan, for crying out loud. Julia Stiles has been typecast as an earnest young actress in Shakespeare remakes. Witness 10 Things I Hate About You, or O. She's into girl power and what not. She's doing the same here, but also attempting to make us believe that she also wants the happy ending. Like duh, who is she kidding?
The Prince & Me uses the time honored Hollywood plotline of the young royal gone astray and the unsuspecting commoner they fall in love with. It's Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday, or Mandy Moore in Chasing Liberty. This time they switch and it's the prince who goes carousing to the heartlands after seeing a faulty ad about Wisconsin girls enthusiastically taking off their tops for nothing but a smile and a little push. Oh they have the usual tricks: young prince milks some cows, chases some farm animals, races a lawnmower. Why that is considered to be charming is beyond me.
I have a suspicion that they didn't get the right people for this. Martha Coolidge  directs awful awful movie. Her previous efforts include a pre-Oscar Halle Berry in Introducing Dorothy Dandridge and the tear inducing "1972" segment of If These Walls Could Talk 2. I don't see any traces of romp from her Sex and the City days. Even a simple one liner isn't really given the correct oomph. I want to bonk both these girls on the head. They may have had some feminist agenda or whatever, but please, you can still do that and get your  moments right. Or is that too much to ask?
There you go: pa-serious young actress and seryoso din yata ako director = nonkilig movie. The only funny thing in this movie are the little in jokes. Eddie is a prince from Denmark. And he does quote a lot of Shakespeare. So Julia Stiles is actually doing Hamlet, nyahaha. She's making out with the future king of Denmark. Something rotten talaga.

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