Saturday, April 9

29 Thoughts About the Apparent Sexiness of Angel Locsin's Darna*

This is a kantogirlblues production. Don't give me crap about the image. Don't have Photoshop and am only using Paint from Windows.

1. Wait a minute, is this Star Wars or Superman?

2. Celia Rodriguez looks like some 70s bading with her ultra long lashes. Someone in the costume department is having so much fun.

3. That dating book is wrong. Women are not from Venus. They're all from Planet Marte and they're all badings in red
leather and fake eyelashes.

4. Now it's clear. This is not Mars Ravelo's Darna. This show is actually Disco Inferno.

5. And I was so sure Darth Vader's going to show up any second now.

6. I get a message on my phone: "Are you watching Darna? It's disturbing: You look like the young Narda."

7. Hmm. So does that mean I'll grow up to be Angel Locsin?

8. Bluekessa replies: "Sige, wait a few years it might happen. Or hanap ka ng bato, lulunin mo. The bigger the better."

9. Even if it's the same size as Darna's bato, it's still a tough one to swallow. Rectagular kaya yun!

10. Speaking of Young Narda, that girl better be paid well. She got the royal treatment of a soap opera heroine: kicked, beaten, lost her parents, burned house, enslaved by rich relative, got poured with water--the works. They even threw in a giant snake. It was agonizing to watch.

11. Then I realized, Omg! This show is not Darna after all. It's Darna vs Anaconda!

12. Soon, it'll be Darna vs Freddy, Jason, Alien and the Predator.

13. For a moment there, I kept thinking, please people, don't forget it's a superhero show. It's not Jolina or Angelika dela Cruz in the costume.

14. We don't want Angel Locsin trampled upon. Spare her the tears.

15. End of Day 2: Where the hell is Angel Locsin?

16. If there's something to be learned here, it's that all Manila girls are sluts. Just look at young Valentina. She's a slut AND a snake.

17. Manila girls have never heard of the healing power of moisturizers.

18. Somebody bring that girl to Body Shop or the nearest toiletries section.

19. End of Day 3: When is she--oh there she is. Finally.

20. Day 4: We should all be looking closely at the janitors in our building.

21. On second thought, maybe not.

22. There's something to be said about that transformation sequence, like how she sorts of surges forward, as though the force of the change is really powerful and knocks the wind out of her. But she can handle it.

23. Really, it is quite assuring that your superhero looks so, uh, healthy. The last Darna I remember was Nanette Medved. And boy, it made you want to mail her your leftovers as a sign of gratitude.

24. Gratitude is swooning in Darna's arms after she kicks some ass inside the LRT purple line to save you: "I've been riding this train for a year now. Oh Darna, where have you been all my life?

25. I just wish that every time she kicks ass, that costume better be superglued. Nobody wants to see their superhero naked.

26. Then you see that cloth hanging between her legs. Aanhin ni Darna ang lampin? Para pag natanggal yung bra niya, may pantakip.

27. Requirement ba na kulot dapat si Darna? Then I saw Valentina and she's also kulot. Valentina's mother is kulot and really evil. So there you go: kulot is both good and evil.

28. Eddie Garcia is very concerned about all creatures great and small. Especially small--he even advises one of them:
"Abegail, kung saan saan ka nakakarating. Gimik ng gimik. Baka mabuntis ka nyan." How cute, if it weren't for the knowledge that one of the writers is indeed named Abegail.

29. If the writer is going to show up in the soap at all, sana hindi as an ipis. What does that say about her karma, huh?

*I know. I've been reading too much Nerve.

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